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    Jan Carr

    Member
    October 14, 2020 at 8:56 pm

    Hi Denise,

    First line: could you develop it a bit – e.g. how did he die – though you might not want to get too graphic on that depending on the tone of the book! But something that puts a picture in the reader’s head.

    Rest of the page: I really like the scene – waiting in a lawyer’s conference room? prior to the reading of a will. I’m intrigued who else is going to turn up. I like that the MC is spinning in her chair and the details about the assistant.

    The page has quite a lot of backstory and no dialogue. Could the assistant speak when she shows your MC in and indicates the water? Or could the assistant discover her spinning in the chair?

    The back story could work better if the MC is remembering a specific scene eg like there was the time I made him an birthday dinner, candles, pressies, me in something skimpy, and he rolled in at half midnight stinking of beer and cigarettes…

    Though if this is your first draft and you’re telling yourself the story this is absolutely fine. Next time through you can put in all the drama, dialogue, and sensory stuff that brings the scene alive and puts the reader in that conference room with her.

    Please do ignore me if this doesn’t work for your genre!

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