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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    October 14, 2020 at 3:05 am

    Matt – your first line (first sentence) is an excellent hook, and definitely something that would make me want to keep reading. And you’ve got me interested in the book by the end of the second paragraph – I love this blurb up until “a stranger pursues them”.

    After that, it feels too explanatory, like you are just telling us the plot rather that trying to hook us. And by the time I get to the end of the blurb, I feel like I know the plot – I don’t have to read your book, just the climax and the denouement to see if anyone really does get their heart ripped out.

    So – walk it back a little. Too much information about the plot, too much backstory. I’d rather just have shadowy references to it that hook me in about this stranger and his potentially dark purpose.

    I’d also like a little more about what Heather and Oweld are up to. They’ve just discovered they are superheroes. Now what? Do they hide from the world, fearing themselves freaks? Do they disguise themselves and go on a crime / vigilante spree? Do they seek out others like them? Are they contacted by Samuel L. Jackson wearing an eye patch???

    I think back to the movie Unbreakable, Shyamalan’s intriguing but bloody boring follow-up to Sixth Sense. What people really wanted to see was Bruce (or whatever his character was) get serious about his superpower and kick some ass, and the film never delivers. And it doesn’t really dig very deep into what it means to be a superhuman, to have these powers.

    What does this mean for Heather and Oweld? How do they struggle? Does the main plot – Thomas pursuing them – cement or challenge their ideas about their power? Does it strengthen or break the bond they formed at the beginning of the story? What change do Heather and Oweld go through (after the inciting incident of discovering their power) and how can you hook us on that?

    Anyway, absolutely amazing setup for a story and I’m hooked after the first two paragraphs. Now the rest of the blurb needs to keep me hooked rather than giving out too much of the story.

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