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    Matt Athanasiou

    Member
    October 12, 2020 at 2:48 am

    Overall I love this—the mystery, the brevity, the dark tone—and IWRT. Great work.

    For a little constructive feedback:

    1. The use of single sentence/fragment paragraphs works well at the start of the blurb, but repeating this style in the middle makes it lose some of its impact—seeing it again took me out of the text and made me stop to wonder if/how this section was connected to the first. Consider keeping the style at the start and rearranging the middle to make slightly meatier paragraphs. You can still achieve the staccato tone with several short sentences in one or two longer paragraphs.

    2. Minor, but there’s a slight disconnect between “at least so it seems” and “But they’re wrong.” Both are different answers to the idea that some people think there are no secrets in Ballybeg. Consider omitting “so it seems” and moving the “But they’re wrong” to the end of the no secrets paragraph.

    3. I don’t think you need the ellipsis at the end of your italicized section. A hard stop, like you’re making a statement, would feel stronger and more foreboding, IMHO. But, if you do keep them, when you’re ending a sentence/fragment with an ellipsis, be sure to add a period at the end of it like this….

    4. You might be able to save some words and omit the last paragraph. The paragraph before it does a good job of building the tension and hinting at what’s at stake. If you want to be a little more clear about the danger in the paragraph before the last, you could mention the killer coming after her there.

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