Home › Forums › Blurbs › Beta blurb – “Eish” (my adjectives keep changing, but this stays the same) › Reply To: Beta blurb – “Eish” (my adjectives keep changing, but this stays the same)
MemberOctober 12, 2020 at 2:44 am
Related to my last comment, seems like there’s an issue with the “Notify” checkbox when I post. I’m just going to add these comments without selecting that, and then subscribe to the entire thread.
Onto the feedback.
Looks like you’ve gotten a ton of great feedback on this, so I’ll only add a few things. Overall great work. IWRT.
1. I dig the evocative fragments in the first paragraph. They set a fast-paced tone.
2. To build Ash’s character a little more, and to let the reader know what she might lose when life flips upside down, consider adding a detail or two about how she “just wants to live her life.”
3. “But when she sees a flash of fire in a colour she has never even dreamed possible” is intriguing, but this sentence might benefit with a little more scenic description. I’m left wondering where she sees the fire. Without much guidance, my mind flips between a fireplace and flames randomly flaring in the dark. This will also help ground the start of the following sentence too.
4. This last comment could just be me, especially since I haven’t read much cyberpunk, but I got thrown off by “mundane technology” in the first sentence of the second paragraph. Again, could 100% be a me thing, but my default impression of “mundane” is “boring,” so when I read that tensions are high between it and magical guilds, I’m left wondering how and why. Even if mundane here means “earthly,” does that mean magic is otherworldly in this setting? It might clear things up to describe how these things are at odds in a quick sentence or aside.
Overall nice work.