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    Jan Carr

    Member
    October 5, 2020 at 10:42 pm

    Hi Liz

    This is interesting because you have a similar thing going on as in Kell’s opening line But yours has some details which give it substance –

    ‘<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>you don’t know a moment is life-changing until you’re in it, until you feel your car sliding over the black ice, or hear the doctor whisper that he can’t find a heartbeat.’

    <font face=”inherit”>These are great – I hope your </font>character<font face=”inherit”> has had these experiences and they affect how he/she/they behaves in the awful stuff you’re going to put them through! The doctor </font>whispering they<font face=”inherit”> can’t find heart beat is brilliant.</font>

    <font face=”inherit”>The second sentence about standing before the the door just before they’re gong to open it is grabby but personally I don’t like </font>those<font face=”inherit”> if I knew then what I know now sentences – they’re a cheat – you could put that line in any and every story ever written</font><font face=”inherit”>. However I think ‘the how it would change the world’ bit would hook people but I still think lines like that are the equivalent of a cheap laugh. Why not actually have them standing before the door getting ready to open it, let’s see the door, maybe hear something through it why don’t you put the reader there with her? Feel the resistance in the door handle. In my opinion your first sentence does the same job as the next two but a lot better.</font>

    Please do ignore everything if you don’t agree!! Grinning

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