MemberOctober 5, 2020 at 4:26 pm
On your first line – I’m not a fan of first lines like this. I don’t think they really tell you anything. But I have cheated and read on because what lines like this do do is they take us , as writers, into the story. ( I actually find it very hard to lose those ranch pad lines and I need someone to point them out to me! So even though starting a story with someone waking up isn’t generally a good idea you do it so deftly, for me it works really well.
So ‘(Rako) shambled awake, reheated porridge, changed into a brown-knit suit and rushed to catch the 7:48am Green Line Metro. Is a much better first line in my opinion. I don’t know exactly what the verb shambled means but it’s great and gives me good picture of Rako leaving for work?
I like the sentence before it too – her marriage crumbling like stale cake is great. i really like strong verbs like ‘shamble’ I find they give me a much clear picture of the story and the characters as I’m reading.
<font face=”inherit”>Not sure about a ‘beefy’ woman but I like the action there and the rest of the scene is great in that I can see it but I want to feel that I’m there too . </font>What<font face=”inherit”> about the noise of the metro, the city? </font>What<font face=”inherit”> does it smell like, Does that urban </font>atmosphere<font face=”inherit”> even have a taste? Does she grab breakfast some where?</font>
<font face=”inherit”>Also how does Rako feel about the woman who stole her seat? Could she do a little more than just sigh – what’s going through her head at that moment? So </font>instead<font face=”inherit”> of her chewing her lip which is a cliche but does indicate that she’s thinking why not tell us what she’s thinking – which about the woman say could just be ‘fat bitch'</font>
And love the concept that’s coming through…