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    Robyn Sarty

    Member
    September 28, 2020 at 11:16 am

    Hey Melissa,

    IWRT!

    Very cool idea for a story here! I’ve a few little things though.

    1. Write out California and New York. CA is also the country code for Canada. You want to be immediately clear to readers where the story takes place.

    2. “Hideaway” jars with “sudden loss.” It makes me wonder if her father was murdered by someone who is now coming after her. “Getaway” or “retreat” might fit better.

    3. You only need three dots between “mistake” and “a deadly mistake.”

    4. Agree with Laura, the last sentence needs tweaking to make it stronger.

    Overall, it makes me want to read this book!

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