MemberSeptember 19, 2020 at 10:14 am
I feel terrible for doing this. First we asked for information and clarity, which we now have. Now I’m going to say you have to make it shorter Please don’t hurt me.
- move the ‘1937’ to sit with the ‘end of May’.
- can omit ‘at last’ from end of sentence
- ‘Fingers’ needs to be surrounded by commas.
- Would the Wonder Girls, street urchins (I assume) from 1937, know much about movie stars?
- The clauses can be rearranged so that it flows a little better “Fifteen year old … wants to help [out] / 4000 refugees child refugees …”
- Can possibly omit ‘the Spanish war’ reference, kids know what refugees are, the specific war is not relevant to the blurb.
- ‘But she gets off…’ can probably be a new para.
- The transition here is a bit jilting… the blurb goes “refugees / Leticia / refugees”. Maybe rearrange the clauses/sentences so that all the Leticia stuff comes first and leads up to the refugees, then into para 4.
- Just try and shorten it
I hope that helps. It’s basically ‘just’ editing from here on. To some degree, we are the blind leading the blind