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    Jan Carr

    September 18, 2020 at 10:38 pm

    Hi again Adam

    Have now read the rest of your page

    First para question to make me read on – what’s happened to mum? you hint at B’s age with her attitude to the pink dresser but it would be good to know. She sounds just pre teen C age for MG.

    When she slumps on the bed, what happens to the ribbons? What’s B doing? playing with them? If she’s just looking how about showing us how she’s feeling – about her mum? And giving us some of her internal monologue. What’s it like to be Barbara at that moment?

    I really like the picture of uncle working away next door – also prompts good story questions – what’s he doing? why is it significant?

    I’m not sure about the ribbons offering no opinion.

    B’s hair could help you with what it’s like to be Barbara – is her hair tangled? does she brush it? You have her flicking at split ends what does she think about those?

    Does that help at all?