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Home Forums Blurbs Beta Blurb for “Watcher’s Cycle” (or whatever it’s going to be called) Reply To: Beta Blurb for “Watcher’s Cycle” (or whatever it’s going to be called)

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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    September 18, 2020 at 1:57 am

    Hey Brian – did look at the revised version, but I wonder, if [ZR] is a spoiler, maybe remove it entirely from the brief? It would be interesting enough just to start the bit about the fall.

    “It is eighty-four years since the Fall, when the Watchers came from the sky and told the people that they were not gods. Eighty-four years since people began to lose faith.”

    (Streamlined that a little to avoid repetition of ‘fall/fell’ and remove ‘beings called’, because presumably they are beings of some kind since they are telling the people stuff.)

    Then, still start with the story of Desht, but only the first line:

    “Desht, an acolyte, receives the greatest blessing of all: to be the vessel for the incarnation of an Enactor, and so to bring healing to people.”

    OK, now we’ve gone from ‘people losing faith’ to ‘an acolyte bringing healing’. Don’t mention the sanctuary or the book of stipulations, as we’ve already got giant questions raised about an Enactor and don’t need too many more yet. Rather, give some sort of hook like this with the others – something about it being a thing far darker that he ends up bringing to the people (or even more suble than that) to imply some really epic crap that happens to him. If you can do it in the same style as the other three, the two short sentences, even better.

    Stick with the same order, but streamline everything as much as possible:

    “Nemzet, Heir to the throne, never wanted to be the Monarch of Kunna, never liked court life, so being sent away anonymously to school is a welcome escape.

    The Monarch is assassinated.

    The Heir is next.”

    Keep going with the single sentence followed by two choppy sentences. Maybe even italicise the choppy sentences to make them seem more epic. (Umm…maybe.)

    Next is Gion. Keep the same structure as the others, so start with Gion’s name:

    “Gion, a runner of Derogony…”

    I think Gion needs something more. Is he a lead runner? A captain of runners? Or the bottom of the barrel? Something to distinguish him from just any old runner (even if he really is just any old runner). You might also imply that the murdered runner is somehow connected to Gion, perhaps a friend, cousin, or some such thing (if it’s true). Doing at least one of these would avoid repeating “a runner” twice in the same sentence. Anyway…

    “Gion, a runner of Derogony, investigates the the first recorded murder of a runner when the Mayor interferes to corrupt the course of justice.

    Not all knowledge is power.

    Not all truths set you free.”

    Last is the story of Kes. We don’t learn much about him, other than that he lives in a small fishing village and so presumably is a fisherman (or training to be).

    Note, for this story, you switched to past tense (“two things washed up”). Keep to present tense to keep consistent with the rest of the blurb. I suggest removing the reference to Artha (because we have no context for it and it doesn’t matter right now) and to “the storm” (for the same reason). Finally, I suggest removing the “no one saw until it was too late” because it’s a long, cumbersome sentence, and the simpler “the other brought death” as more impact. As it’s the last, I think it’s fine that you break with the others and don’t mention the name first.

    In the small fishing village of Jossis, two things wash up on the beach that would change the life of Kes forever.

    One was a survivor.

    The other brought death.”

    Right, so the whole thing would read:

    ————————–

    It is eighty-four years since the Fall, when the Watchers came from the sky and told the people that they were not gods. Eighty-four years since people began to lose faith.

    Desht, an acolyte, receives the greatest blessing of all: to be the vessel for the incarnation of an Enactor, and so to bring healing to people.

    [Epic choppy sentence]. [Epic choppy sentence].

    Nemzet, Heir to the throne, never wanted to be the Monarch of Kunna, never liked court life, so being sent away anonymously to school is a welcome escape.

    The Monarch is assassinated. The Heir is next.

    Gion, a runner of Derogony, investigates the the first recorded murder of a runner when the Mayor interferes to corrupt the course of justice.

    Not all knowledge is power. Not all truths set you free.

    In the small fishing village of Jossis, two things wash up on the beach that would change the life of Kes forever.

    One was a survivor. The other brought death.

    —————————–

    I don’t think the fact that I got your story wrong matters. When I am given a book, I never read the blurb until after I’ve read the book. They are always at least somewhat misleading, or simply too void of crucial details. It’s all about hooking your reader, but you’re right, don’t lie.

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