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    Jan Carr

    Member
    September 15, 2020 at 8:10 am

    Hi Darren

    This reads like poetry – it has atmospherewhich makes me really excited to read your prose!

    I think you should make the 1990s setting clear and that it’s a time slip . Maybe a short sentence to kind of anchor readers….

    eg The Trials of Walter Hall is a 1990s-1500s time slip action adventure story for Young Adults.

    I’m intrigued by the ‘frozen concrete’ maybe if you develop that just a little to make it really clear – it sounds like your inciting incident – when a band of15th century raiders emerge from the foundations of? a new office block? the motorway? ie whatever the concrete is , Walter is ? i.e. What happens to Walter? what does he do?….

    Then ‘together with… the ‘eccentric Clarke, a wisp of a boy who has taught himself the art of war.’ ( I love that!) and Asha’ a snowball packed so tight as to break your jaw.’ ( guessing Asha is a person not actually a snowball? Walter must – I can’t easily see what Walter must do in the story?

    “Walter Hall will discover that to be a saviour, you must heal the mind and destroy the rest.’ this hints at Walter’s character maybe open the burb with this Walter Hall an ?year old?? kid with mental health issues? fears?

    Then at the end Can Walter overcome his mental health issue, send the reviews back where they came form and save his family????? guessing those!

    So I think mostly your blurb needs a little bit of rearranging and few insertions – but don’t lose the poetry or the atmosphere!

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