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    Darren Bodey

    September 12, 2020 at 4:26 pm

    Hi Mark,

    Really like the sound of this story. I’m not sure about the first line – “Fairy tales don’t tell the whole story.”

    Is it a fairy tale? It doesn’t really sound like it to me which gives the wrong impression early on.

    You’ve used “dying” twice in the first bit – this may not be a problem.

    “It’s all the society can do to keep things under wraps”. I think this line could be stronger, it’s a bit cliché sounding.

    I think you could drop the “And” that opens the last paragraph.

    There are a lot of questions at the end I think you could cut down to three and then the separate, last one.

    I know I sound pernickety with some of these points and I think the story sounds ace. I hope people are equally pernickety with mine!

    All the best,