Hi Mark,
Really like the sound of this story. I’m not sure about the first line – “Fairy tales don’t tell the whole story.”
Is it a fairy tale? It doesn’t really sound like it to me which gives the wrong impression early on.
You’ve used “dying” twice in the first bit – this may not be a problem.
“It’s all the society can do to keep things under wraps”. I think this line could be stronger, it’s a bit cliché sounding.
I think you could drop the “And” that opens the last paragraph.
There are a lot of questions at the end I think you could cut down to three and then the separate, last one.
I know I sound pernickety with some of these points and I think the story sounds ace. I hope people are equally pernickety with mine!
All the best,
Darren
