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    Denise Ganley

    September 8, 2020 at 7:26 am

    Hi Nicole,

    I find the premise very interesting, but I really wanted to get into the conflict or some kind of tension sooner. I wondered if there was fear of what the changes in weather really meant for the tribe. And if she is a warrior-chief, who do they fight with? I was kind of thinking we’d hear about different warring tribes. I definitely agree with this suggestion from Adam, especially “before losing her brother, Adria must make a decision that breaks with the tradition of her tribe (or some other epic sounding dilemma).” That sounds very enticing.

    I gave a rewrite a shot, knowing very little about your story, and I might be way off the mark. But maybe there is something helpful in there.

    In a time before time, the Vehrka people lived, or died, as one.

    For generations, the Vehrka tribe has journeyed between the summer hunting grounds and the winter refuge, where people from the four directions come together, hemmed in by glacial ice sheets on every horizon. But the forever summer is coming, and the _____, a warring tribe, moves against them.

    In a mysterious cave, a gift from another time awaits the arrival of twins, Obayan and Adria, who will one day assume leadership of the Vehrka. A gift that can protect them from the ______ (warring tribe name). Mosaic stones that are a great source of knowledge, that can nourish the light or drive an unrelenting hunger for power. Before losing her brother to the darkness, Adria must make a decision that breaks with the tradition of her tribe and ignores wisdom that has protected them for an epoch. A decision that risks them all.