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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    October 26, 2020 at 11:57 pm

    Hey Darren, a most interesting premise, I’m curious and I’d pick up this book.

    Two things stood out to me in terms of tightening things up…

    First, I think the last line is unnecessary, for two reasons: ‘the whole world spiralling into chaos’ is a strong enough hook, and I can’t connect the idea of a ‘fourth bale burning’ with the rest of the blurb.

    Second, what I think is missing from this blurb is a sense of ‘why’ – a hook that connects the idea of Oliver (the socially rejected kid) to the bad guys destroying the world. How is it that Oliver gets tangled into this mess? Why is the random impossible creature and the three lawless men pursuing him, and not someone more important?

    I’m missing this from my blurb too – though I haven’t finished reworking it yet. Not that you want to reveal all your plot points, but is there something that can be hinted at? Perhaps Oliver has something in his ancestry that links him to the sixteenth century and make him a target? Some undiscovered or hidden power or ability? Or maybe he’s just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Something that connects the first paragraph with the second paragraph.

    I do like this better than your first draft – while the first was an interesting style I didn’t really get a sense as to the kind of story I was reading about. This does a much better job of that.

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