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Home Forums First Lines & Page 1 First line and page 1 of ‘Bert…so far’ Reply To: First line and page 1 of ‘Bert…so far’

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    Liz Green

    October 20, 2020 at 2:52 am

    I really like the voice in this, Jan! It’s clear and has an opinion. I like the stuff about comparing their company to the competition. Even if she’s just repeating what her dad says, it’s clear she takes pride in being part of the riskier company!

    The paragraph that starts “Mum says I don’t listen” was the only thing that felt slightly off. Nothing major, it was just a bit of a shift from the easy flow of the rest. It felt like maybe you were trying to ram something meaningful in and it wasn’t quite fitting. I didn’t understand the thing about not listening and why she’s mentioning it here. And I didn’t know what “too much sometimes” meant.

    But these are very small details! Like the others have said, it doesn’t have a strong sense of the promise of the premise, but the voice is so engaging that it’s going to buy you some leeway!