MemberOctober 16, 2020 at 5:01 am
I think the first line is good, but needs a bit more pizazz. Also, the first page is all exposition which is a bit dry.
I think we should get to the dog more quickly, as you’ve promised the reader a mystery involving a dog. Maybe start with the narrator getting the dog? Or build the first line around that the dog: “When my ex-boyfriend died, he left me with a whole lot of unfinished business – namely a cadaver dog called [Dog Name].”
And you probably can skip a lot of the set up and just get to the dog hand-over bit.
“There must be some mistake,” I told the lawyer. “Eddie left me his dog?”
And there I was hoping for the coffee machine.
“That’s right,” he smirked. “You are the proud owner of a police-trained cadaver dog….”
Sorry for ad libbing, but just highlighting an example of how you can cut to the core premise straight away and fill in the back story in dribs and drabs as you go forward.
Hope that helps.