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    Darren Bodey

    Member
    October 14, 2020 at 6:29 am

    Hi Matt,

    I’m with Adam on that first line, it’s great. I kind of agree with the next bit too, about too much information. I felt you could keep the bit about Heather and Oweld, as you’ve done really well, and then do a similar bit on Thomas and Armando, and then allude to their fates being interlinked.

    I’m briefly going to get pernickety just in case you keep some of the bits I wondered about.

    1. I would be clear they are killed by a subway train (instead of hit – unless they do not die, in which case the heart wouldn’t need to start beating again.). Then lose the ‘miraculously’ and open with something about their hearts beating again (I really like the line about them healing).

    2. It jarred me a bit going from being hit by a subway train to being sat on a pavement – I know it’s a blurb but I started thinking how did they both get to the pavement unseen? I was thinking of the London tube so maybe that’s the reason.

    3. The ‘-how can they trust their unexplained feelings and powers-‘ felt a bit clunky and I don’t think it’s needed.

    4. The last line about having their hearts ripped from their chests. I guessed this was not meant literally but it does sound literal the way it is written.

    Hope I’ve not gone overboard! As a premise, and with the descriptions of each main couple, it sounds great. Just needs a bit of chipping away I think. I hope my wife and I get the powers to make each other do their bidding, but then she loses her power and mine just gets stronger 🙂

    Cheers,

    Darren

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