- MemberOctober 12, 2020 at 3:08 am
I love a good fairy tale—and a hero at odds with choosing sides—and would read this.
A few additional thoughts to go with the other constructive feedback:
1. Great work keeping the language and tone consistent throughout. It gives the reader a solid idea of the type of book they’re picking up, which is always a good thing.
2. I like the first line. With few words, it adds mystery and gets me asking how they don’t. That said, I’m not sure how it relates to the rest of the blurb. Is there a way to call back to this idea toward the end of the blurb, basically answering how or why fairy tales don’t give the whole story, or how or why yours will?
3. In the second sentence, I’m left wondering how or what Richard won. I get that the things listed after this sentence are examples of wins, but I’m not sure what larger win is that these build up to. Saving the world? With just a few more words in this sentence, you could paint an even stronger picture of what all those successes mean, and potentially what he stands to lose.
4. Minor, and maybe I’d know this if I read the first book, but for clarity, who is the “his” in “his dying world?” Richard or Byron? Is it the world Byron originally came from?
5. “It’s all the Society can do to keep things under wraps.” I think this line is fine, but it took me a few reads to realize it’s the Fae Defense Society (suggest just using the whole name here), and I’m left wondering why they want to keep things under wraps. Adding a few words about the why, suggesting what happens if they don’t, will create extra tension for the reader.
6. Love this concept “confront his own fears about his origins” but it could use a little more specificity to ratchet up the stakes and tension. Some questions I had after reading this paragraph: Is it bad to be a fae? Is he both fae and human, and is it normal to be? Is the war between the fae and humans? It’s sort of hinted at in the fourth paragraph, but if so, why? If the answers to those are clearer, the line “Can he even pick a side?” will resonate much more.
(Especially for the last bit of feedback, probably good to note that I haven’t read the first book, so some of this could be answered there. I haven’t written a blurb for a sequel, so I’m not 100% sure how much hand-holding backstory you should or shouldn’t give for new readers here.)
The Bestseller Forums
Get feedback, ask questions, find answers