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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    October 7, 2020 at 1:14 am

    Hey Liz – great opener. I’m in agreement with Jan on pretty much everything. The foreshadowing first sentence here works for me as it’s in first person, so drawing attention to the ‘narrator’ means drawing attention to your character.

    And definitely agree that after “but I knew”, the rest is overkill. Like Jan says, jump into the scene here, put your reader into what’s happening, and then maybe end the first section or chapter with a line about not realizing how much it would change the world (if you mention it at all).

    Excellent metaphors and imagery. One tiny nitpick thing – as your protagonist is female, consider having the line read “or hear the doctor whisper that she can’t find a heartbeat” as it will connect doctor with your protagonist.

    Great stuff and looking forward to more!

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