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    Kell Shaw

    Member
    October 5, 2020 at 6:28 am

    Hi Adam

    FIRST IMPRESSIONS! (Without reading others’ feedback)

    I like the first sentence, as it laser-focuses on the work on Barbara’s relationship with her absent mother. There’s just a few things around her lack of clarity – where are the ribbons – is she holding them? Are they on the dresser?

    Also – wouldn’t the sound be something she’d focus on rather than the time or the colour o f her things?

    The last sentence I liked, as it hints at her depression (presumably based around her absent mother?)

    While I enjoyed the intro, I thought it was a little bit passive and reflective. I’m not sure of what Barbara wants. I know she’s missing her mother, and doesn’t like living where she is now, but I think this scene needs a bit of passion or energy. At the moment, it feels a bit pastel.

    AFTER READING FEEDBACK!
    I agree with the other comments. Great, clear writing, but I think this first opener needs a bit more energy. A certain something. A dream that foreshadows adventures to come? A premonition? A magical, unexplained event? Otherwise, I’d like to see how this continues!

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