MemberOctober 5, 2020 at 6:28 am
FIRST IMPRESSIONS! (Without reading others’ feedback)
I like the first sentence, as it laser-focuses on the work on Barbara’s relationship with her absent mother. There’s just a few things around her lack of clarity – where are the ribbons – is she holding them? Are they on the dresser?
Also – wouldn’t the sound be something she’d focus on rather than the time or the colour o f her things?
The last sentence I liked, as it hints at her depression (presumably based around her absent mother?)
While I enjoyed the intro, I thought it was a little bit passive and reflective. I’m not sure of what Barbara wants. I know she’s missing her mother, and doesn’t like living where she is now, but I think this scene needs a bit of passion or energy. At the moment, it feels a bit pastel.
AFTER READING FEEDBACK!
I agree with the other comments. Great, clear writing, but I think this first opener needs a bit more energy. A certain something. A dream that foreshadows adventures to come? A premonition? A magical, unexplained event? Otherwise, I’d like to see how this continues!