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    Darren Bodey

    Member
    September 25, 2020 at 3:40 am

    Hi Kell,

    This is great, really love it. Gets you much more involved with the character and sets up the premise beautifully. You could maybe drop the “but” from the second line. The only bit that may need work, for me, is “- to kill her to get the power for themselves”. I think “<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>everyone wants her… dead.” Could be good. I know that leaves the problem of not mentioning people wanting her power, which has me stuck. Unless it is somehow moved to “<font face=”inherit”>and the only way she can stay alive, and protect her powers (or protect her powers and stay alive), is to seek help from the monsters themselves…” Or </font>something<font face=”inherit”>. Anyway, it’s just that short line after the dash that doesn’t feel quite right. Otherwise I’m with Liz, sounding great. Thanks, Darren</font>

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