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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    September 24, 2020 at 12:59 am

    Nicely done, Pippa.

    My vote is on the first. It has more the feel of a plot – the old legends are coming true, thus Ash is on the run, thus she must navigate the politics while saving the world (which really starts out as saving herself). It may be a loose thread of continuity, and it may be entirely inaccurate, but it gives something to follow.

    The second feels less connected. You introduce two main players (Warrior Bards and Ash) but no connection between them for us to draw conclusions about why it matters that they must face this threat together, and so the hook is less powerful.

    My only suggestion is that you drop “mega” from the description of Eish. For now describing it as just a city is enough, so people are not brought out of the flow of the hook to ask what a mega-city is and why it’s different from a normal city. Again, it might not be entirely accurate to call it only a city, but in this case I would suggest simplicity to draw people in.

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