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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    September 22, 2020 at 5:15 pm

    Hey Jac – I concur with most of the advice given here – I too would like just a little more detail on Jack’s role at the flash house.

    A top hat is indeed more widely recognizable, though gives a certain impression. People will expect this stranger to be very well dressed should his defining feature be a top hat, whereas the stove pipe hat originally made me picture a man in a bent hat and poorly dressed. What is the case with your story?

    In addition to starving to death, you might also include freezing to death to up the stakes (the latter being more likely, as it takes a few weeks to really starve, so long as there’s water).

    It might be interesting to try moving the bit about dying to the last line (taking it out of the first paragraph). This will end it on the most dangerous hook – the stranger is interesting, but adds a sense of intrigue more than danger. (Something to play with anyway, to see how it sounds – it may not work for your story/blurb).

    Cheers,

    Adam

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