Hey Darren!
So cool! You clearly have the whole atmospheric thing down! And the story sounds very dramatic!
Maybe this is because I’m British, but when I read the second line, I thought “Walter Hall” was the name of a physical hall, like a school gymnasium or a church meeting area. So then, when I read “he” in the next line, I was wondering who the he was. If your audience is just American then maybe this isn’t issue, but I imagine a few extra words could clarify this. For example, “Death and pain plague the broken Walter Hall, a boy who [description].”
This sounds like it’ll have lots of fun stuff in it!
