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    Brian Liew [YA-SF-GrimDark]

    Member
    September 15, 2020 at 12:51 pm

    Hi Jan,

    Sounds vaguely familiar … was part of the story submitted as 1 page punch up?

    3rd para confused me a little. When I see “arrive [at] Southampton” I’m thinking ship. But then you’re talking about a train (on which Letitia is travelling). Is she trying to get to Southampton to help the Spanish refugees? (I’m not British, maybe ‘Nettlefield’ is enough of a clue for the locals Upside Down).

    “Despite her best efforts, is rubbish at bandaging.” So, there’s some bandaging required in Nettlefield? or she gets to Southampton? or…

    For some reason ‘kids’ (para 4 x2) doesn’t feel right. Children? Youths?

    Last para “fascists are really up to and to save the” I think this needs a comma after ‘and’.

    Maybe if I had read the first book, I would know that Baby and the Wonder Girls live in Nettlefield (if that is indeed true). If it is true, perhaps add “from Nettlefield” in the first para in “…run away from Nettlefield to America…”

    Other than UK and prior-book context ‘issues’, it seems pretty good. Speaking of context, would MG readers know ‘Blackshirts’? might need to explain that, too…

    I would read it.

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