Home › Forums › Blurbs › Beta Blurb for “Watcher’s Cycle” (or whatever it’s going to be called) › Reply To: Beta Blurb for “Watcher’s Cycle” (or whatever it’s going to be called)
MemberSeptember 13, 2020 at 11:38 pm
Hey Brian – I love a story with multiple intertwining characters. The level of complexity of your world and its inhabitants makes me think of Sanderson’s Stormlight Archive, but there are many out there that follow a similar style. A random surprise was The Last Stormloard, by Glenda Larke, which I was gifted and enjoyed.
Each of your stories sound interesting on their own (and, actually, with just a few minor tweaks they’d all make good book hooks). What they need is a unifying thread.
I don’t know your story – but, you could imply a few connections just by changing the order of the four story blurbs.
Put the story of Desht first. That would link the idea of ‘acolyte’ to the religion of [ZR], and the way you have written it suggests Desht will come to question the legitimacy of [ZR] as he goes out into the world.
Next is the story of Nemzet, as you have. We are introduced to the country, Kunna (presumably the main stage of your story). Nemzet is travelling in secret to school and eventually on the run(?). Desht is heading out into the world. Presumably they bump into each other.
Then the story of Gion. From the country of Kunna we zoom in to the city of Derogony, and this suggests there is a link between the murder of the Monarch and the murder of the runner.
End with the story of Jossis. It’s the most intense, presents the highest stakes, and has the best hook at the end. It would also suggest that one of either the murdered runner or the murdered Monarch is the ‘survivor’ and bring about even further questions as to what the other object is.
But…one more line or paragraph is needed to tie things together. Some final unifying hook that suggests there is much more to this than just a few random stories, that big, epic things are building (as you’ve already mentioned, there is a book two, so I presume there are epic things).
If you take a look at the blurbs on the back of those two books I mentioned, both have a unifying thread. In The Last Stormlord (https://www.amazon.ca/Last-Stormlord-Glenda-Larke/dp/0316069159 – look at the picture of the back of the book) that unifying thread is the collapse of civilization centred around the loss of water. In The Way of Kings (https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/91hIPMYNExL.jpg), it is a war that seems to have been building for centuries, driven by past mistakes.
I would guess (though I might be wrong) that your unifying thread is that these characters all are somehow connected to the religion trying to reassert its dominance (either in opposition to it or supporting it, or perhaps flipping between the two). Does this start a war that your characters are swept up into? Does it drive a collapse of whatever new culture was built up after the Fall, of which your characters are somehow a part? Or some other epic event that sends all of these characters spinning in the same direction?
This would help really link your first paragraph to your last and tie it all together nicely.
(Also – a question about the story of Nemzet. At first, I thought Nemzet was about to be Monarch but abdicated, but later it suggests that he’s not actually there yet, and he’s just the next heir. Is this the case? And if that is, how does going to school help him escape being Monarch?)