MemberSeptember 10, 2020 at 11:56 am
This is really good. I would definitely read it.
I think you could trim it a little bit as there were some moments I stumbled and got slightly lost. The blurb has the feel of something that will truly sparkle with a bit more digging and dusting. But the general thrust, mystery and intrigue are all there for sure.
Is there a reason she is called Colt? I found the contrast between “she” and “Colt” a bit jarring on first reading.
I love the opening line. Some secrets are best left untold. Cracking stuff. I’m with you right away.
The next paragraph is great too. Lots of hooks, loads of interesting stuff packed in here. Perfect.
Personally, I would delete And someone else is already looking for it. Then you could combine this paragraph with the following one, which is more compelling than a flat tell.
I would also delete The Collector knows what he’s after and Colt knows how to find it. You’ve already told us that it’s long-lost treasure. The Collector line is redundant. The Colt line doesn’t seem to fit either – does she know how to find it? If she knows how to find it, why is she later determined to figure out what the mercenaries are after? Why does she have to follow clues at all?
On the clues – why is she so reluctant to follow them? I can’t believe that anyone, even someone down/potentially depressed and struggling to find their place in the world like Colt, would be reluctant to follow clues left by their grandmother when mercenaries suddenly raid this awesome place she has a big connection to. I feel like this would be the massive injection of purpose she needs and would get on this without any hesitation or reluctance.
Protecting her grandmother’s memory is no longer an option. Keeping her secrets safe is the only choice. – This is a bit confusing, so doesn’t pack the punch it could as a final line. The previous paragraph ends with enough oomph that you could delete this. Otherwise, I would tweak this a bit. There’s been no mention of protecting her grandmother’s memory before… what do you mean by that? Perhaps you could change the first part of this to reference the long-lost treasure?
We don’t hear any more from The Collector (great name, btw) since their introduction. Are they the antagonist? Are they linked to the mercenaries? Could you tie the final shout line to The Collector somehow? Does she have to choose between saving the treasure and protecting her grandmother’s secrets? Is there a dramatic want/need tension there you could play on with one last lingering hook?
Just some thoughts – hope something in there is helpful! The story sounds brilliant.