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    Adam Jarvis

    Member
    September 10, 2020 at 3:26 am

    Great blurb, Liz. Yes, it makes sense, and yes, it sounds interesting! Given the current political climate in the US, this will be on topic for years to come.

    These suggestions are all about cleaning up the language and flow…

    I think, based on the flow of the paragraph, that “Dr. Bonnie Hyde has a secret” should be on its own line. Make it stand out and separate it from the next bit of information, which is not the secret.

    When you get to the “But she is not one of them” I would suggest putting it on its own line as well, and dropping the “They just don’t know it”, as it’s implied by the rest of your blurb and losing it will increase the impact of the “she is not one of them” statement.

    In the second paragraph, you start talking about the president fighting, but then switch to Bonnie’s husband in the same sentence. This is a bit jarring – it would make more sense if you said something like “While Bonnie’s husband helps the president fight …, he has no idea what happened to her two decades ago.” (Though this statement may not be true of your story.)

    I would suggest dropping “Then,” from the third paragraph – starting with “When POTUS is injured…” is more direct and more powerful. The use of POTUS for the first and only time in the third paragraph is a bit random, especially after using the generic mention of the title president the first few times. I would suggest consistency, but I’m not really familiar with how the term is used outside of political writing, so I could be wrong on this one. Of course, if you are writing for an American audience, they may not notice. Outside of the US (and outside of Canada, where we get all the American news), chances are people will be unfamiliar with the term and will need it explained.

    I am curious about your use of the surname Hyde. It calls to mind Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and may go some way to implying personality traits about your protagonist. On the other hand, it may come across as cliché and too obvious. What was your thinking on the name?

    This sounds like an excellent story idea. I don’t typically read thrillers, but the political and modern activism twist on this genre has me intrigued!

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