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    Laura Regan

    September 7, 2020 at 2:07 pm

    Hey Aaron,

    Really like your book idea, sounds really thought out and you have loads of detail in there. I think you can definitely condense the 1st paragraph into two or three lines. I really like your line;

    There is a place where life is cheap, earthly pleasures are even cheaper and war is a way of life.

    You could maybe have that as your first line and then handpick a couple of lines to give you a sense of the red light system.

    I think the main thing I would add is more about the characters. I like to know who I am going to be reading about. I kind of get the impression here that there is no one main character and it’s kind of an ensemble cast? Like game of thrones? So maybe you could pick out the main three or four and then use their names and tell us a bit about them and how their journeys are going to lead them to find out more about the object in the 1st paragraph.