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    Adam Jarvis

    September 5, 2020 at 3:54 am

    Hey Josh. Congrats on the first book hook post.

    Great ending sentence – “Her magic is bloody vengeance”. You might even consider just using that, it’s quite intriguing (and it would fit nicer on the cover of a book, too).

    I struggled with the mercenaries et. al. vs. the magical inhabitants, I wondered if the two were mutually exclusive (ie. no magical mercenaries?) If there are two separate sides, is there a way to combine the idea of the underside of society into one thing, like: scum vs. magical inhabitants? (But better than that terrible example.) That way you already draw lines in the sand for the sides of what appears to be a war, and avoid the long list slowing down the beginning of the hook. If magical inhabitants are on both sides, might it be more accurate to say that mercenaries et. al. fight for control using magic? That also flows better into your final sentence (ie. everyone’s fighting with magic, but Nia’s magic is bloody vengeance).

    Alternatively, you could start with the idea of Nia Fisher, and just use the last half, like: Legendary ex-mercenary Nia Fisher hunts the killer of an old friend. Her magic is bloody vengeance.” This has the benefit of sticking with active language (the “as mercenaries…” is passive), and keeps things simple and focused.